One, two, three, four, throw. Oh, Jinkies, Papa Smurf! I'm not sure if I should feel enlightened or grossly pathetic because last night I had a BOWLING EPIPHANY. Yes, an epiphany about why I'm a crappy bowler. And the answer? Because I try too hard to look good while bowling. I have a flawless approach, beautifully choreographed with a little skip near the end, a slide where I sink delightfully into my left hip, release the ball with a satisfying thumb "pop" and pose in the sexiest bowling follow-through manner possible as I watch my ball skip merrily into someone else's lane, roll backwards after it bounces off the pin guard, and settle into someone else's pitcher of beer. Which actually, considering that most alleys still sell Old Milwaukee Light, is a blessing in disguise for us posh microbrew drinkers. Or hardened 12-year old single malt scotch drinkers. Cragganmore, anyone? The point is, bowling is one of those sports where style doesn't matter. I could Fred Flintstone Finesse my ass off but my vintage Lite-Dot sparkly 12-pounder will simply roll into the gutter, perhaps bouncing out at the end and hitting the ten-pin, which won't count if you're playing in a league. But last night I wanted to try out my new bowling shoes before league night. Yes, I spent $30 on a pair of bowling shoes, and another $10 on shoe protectors, so I don't mess up the soft leather on the soles with bathroom or barroom floor muck. They look like Totes (tm). I have never worn a new pair of bowling shoes, but they had the feeling of new jazz oxfords when the leather bottom is still all nice and fuzzy. I have only ever worn the stink-ridden alley shoes, or a pair of stink-ridden spray-painted bowling shoes that were stolen from a bowling alley in Seattle ten years ago and had been worn as street shoes on occasion. And were too big, and looked like clown shoes. Literally. So I take my first approach and I actually SLIDE, which scares me, and I drop the ball, and knock down 7 pins. Weird. I can't get used to the feeling of sliding, and I fear that I will go sideways or directly over the foul line, skate down the alley and knock down the pins with my own head. So I start approaching differently. Basically, I take four steps and toss that ball down there. No choreographed approach, with the ball extending on the first step, the backswing on the second and third, the little hop and then the follow-through with the slide on the fourth step. No foxtrot of an approach. And I consistently hit pins and furthermore, pick up spares. And almost broke 100. As soon as I started to feel comfortable with the idea, I then began to fall back into the muscle memory of my foxtrot approach and I'd go all crap again. But as long as I just walked up and tossed the ball, all was good. The bowling epiphany? I should have just ignored my father. He even tried to coach me over the phone about my approach when I told him I'd joined the league. But as he is meticulous anout method over results, I guess there was no way to get around that as a youth. Now if I can just get my rest of team to do the same. I TOLD them I was not as good as they; stop trying to make a bowler out of me. Lemme stay within the glory of my epiphany. At least until I can get a drinkable beer at the alley.
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