Ackbar the amazing Dildo Dalek I am watching possibly one of the worst movies EVER made. It's called "Inseminoid" and it's a rather wretched "Alien" ripoff, compounded by the fact it's British, and has all the special effect of a Dr. Who episode but with substantially less charm. The alien character looks like a cross between a dildo and a Dalek, and most of the male actors look suspiciously alike. The story so far: a dozen losers are on a mining expedition on a planet (or a quarry in Cornwall) that is 89*C below zero at all times. One dude finds some weird crystals, another dude finds a cocoon-like thing on cave wall, which explodes. Crystal dude cuts his hand on the crystals, flips out, and starts running around the mining field looking for something. In the meantime, he forgets to close the airlock, and he shoves a woman into a pile of metal debris. Anyhow, she gets her foot caught and her thermal system shuts down and she starts freezing to death. In an effort to save herself, she removes her helmet (???) and tries to cut off her foot with a hedge trimmer. (???!!!???) Miss Hedge Trimmer does not survive. Her partner manages to escape from the clutches of crystal dude and runs into the airlock, closing the door. He follows her and looks at her menacingly, which prompts her to shoot him. Later, in an effort to figure out what's going on, ANOTHER duo is sent out to figure what's up with the crystals, which have been discovered as a source of energy, or at least a green glow. The pair get seperated from one another, and a menacing shadow (followed by that BUM BUM BUM music) follows them, and the shadow grabs the male of the duo and dismembers him. This is done rather tastefully off camera with interposing shots of the blonde girl screaming and bits of the man's body getting thrown about (his arm, his helmet). Blondie faints and enters a dream sequence, where she's naked on a table lit from underneath. The camp's doctor appears, leering at Blondie and gives her an injection. Then the POV changes and we float over her body from the top of her head down to her upright knees, which spread to reveal our Dalek Dildo. Upon reflection, he also looks like Admiral Ackbar from "Return of the Jedi". We are then treated to a side view of a tube that appears to be placed between her legs and EMPTIED into her with green slime and what look like pickled quail's eggs. EEEWWWWW! Ackbar takes off, presumably, and Blondie wakes up screaming (who wouldn't??) and it is later revealed that Blondie is pregnant. DOUBLE EEEWWWWW! And there's still an hour left of this movie. It was about this time (well after the naked bit) when Gary came in and now he wants to see the movie too. It's sci-fi, after all, and even my explanation of what has happened so far hasn't deterred him. All he said was "Naked??". Typical man. I must look up this movie on IMDB and see if anyone had a career after this. Some of the people I recognize though, either from Mystery! or Masterpiece Theatre or something like that. It's amazing what gets imprinted on celluoid. Even more amazing is what's put on DVD for rental at Blockbuster. Even ore amazing are the freaks who rent that stuff. Hey, wait, that's me.
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