don't scratch that Sooooooooooooooooo tired. And I�m not sure why. I have stepped up the working out and I�m doing my best to eat less (although I have been eating my daily allotment of points and a couple of more besides) so I suppose it�s just my body once more betraying me. And I think the only way to beat it into submission is through the liberal use of single malt scotch, yes? Yes. Anyhoo, most recently I�ve been asked by the wife of my chiropractor if I would be interested in doing some faux finish work for them in exchange for chiropractor visits. It seems that they got their house mostly in shape for a quick sale just before the bottom fell out of the housing market, and she hates the color of the interior architecture. Also, her down-the-street neighbor has some nifty faux finishing and it�s a matter of keeping up appearances in this high-end-cookie-cutter-gated-community. Her down-the-street neighbor (henceforth DTSN) has actual (but short) Doric columns in her house, which lend themselves well to faux marble finishing with veins, etc. Wife of chiropractor (WOC) has columns of the rounded-corner-but-essentially-just-square-post variety, complete with a skip-trowel (stucco) texture on them that lend themselves to just about any kind of faux finish but marbling with veins. I attempted to explain this, partially because the area the WOC wants down is actually much huger than I was led to believe (I mean, I think we�re talking about 50 chiro visits here) but also because the idea of putting faux marble over all this square-column-and-plinth-with-stucco-finish makes me aesthetically itch. However, I am both intrepid and bored. So I agreed to take a sample of the tile (because WOC wants those colors in there) and made 4 largish samples. All of which the WOC rejected in favor of black. Apparently, WOC wants black veining because that�s what the DTSN has. On her Doric columns. Also, the WOC wants a lot more black in the actual faux background because the black is supposed to tie into the black-and-orange granite they put in the kitchen. The kitchen, mind you, which is down the hall and around the corner from the square colonnade and lintel monstrosity in the front section of the house. So I sighed and rolled my eyes (after a chiro visit, thank you very much) and went and did two more samples, one of which did the same color choices I had made (to match the tile) but with black veins and another sample that bore no resemblance whatsoever to the tile but utilized a LOT of black. With black veins. Because I guess WOC subscribes to the �once you go black (because that�s what the DTSN has)� theory of life. So today I bring in the new samples and WOC gushes over the black one, and then she says, �But why aren�t you using the actual color of the wall as a base color?� Because I�m using the tile as a color reference, I said (like you asked me to, you crazy b. . .). So then WOC says, �Well, why don�t you just come to the house and practice with the color right on the columns?� Again, I began to aesthetically itch, because I do samples on my own turf. Partially because I like to do them barefoot and braless, but mostly because I don�t want people to know how little time and energy I spend on them. I want to come up with the easiest method of painting possible on a small scrap of wood so that when I get to the 8000 square feet I don�t mess over it like a brand-new cook trying to make a Denver omelet. But then, I�ve already done 6 samples for this WOC, which also makes me itch (and not necessarily aesthetically) and I�m ready to throw in the towel. I�ll do a couple more after I get the wall paint from my chiro on Monday. I think he knows what I�m up against. He is the H of the WOC, after all. But then, I�m also reminded of why I don�t like to do this stuff anymore. It�s because of the WOCs and the DTSNs and the aesthetic itching.l And there�s not enough salve in the world for that.
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