Bollocks January 7, 2009 Dear valued Big Fuckhead Company Client: We at Big Fuckhead Company Corporation� are proud to be your healthcare solutions provider, and we continue to work hard to deliver and improve the services we offer and your experience as you interact with our organization. While our client population continues to grow domestically, we have also seen tremendous interest from the international market. This expansion, plus the need to increase our staff to improve our service levels, has brought us to a Universal Asshole forefront in our operations. I am pleased to present the very latest information on Big Fuckhead Company� Client Support services, policies, and procedures, especially as it relates to our new Universal Asshole operations. I am pleased to introduce to you the Big Fuckhead Company Universal Asshole Client Handbook where you will find a wealth of information regarding Big Fuckhead Company Client Support and support related items, including how to contact us, our escalation policy, and the hours and methods of operations for the various Universal Asshole Service Centers. The handbook also includes sections pertaining to the Big Fuckhead Company Remote Support Services and Big Fuckhead Company Communities portal, in addition to sections on the Underwater Basket Weaving Center and the Big Fuckhead Company Outsourcing Solutions Group. The Handbook is available online for download from AlGoresSuperHighway at: www.wescrewyourpoochformoney.com. Our need to expand Universal Asshole has come from two major initiatives; first and foremost as a way to improve our service levels by significantly increasing staff and expanding our hours of staffed operations versus on-call. Secondly, it is to meet the demands coming from the international sector. With this in mind, we are introducing a new Universal Asshole Service Center starting on January 12, 2009. In part, Universal Asshole Service Center consolidates the Underwater Basket Weaving Center and The Wonderful People in Phoenix Who We Told to Take a Hike roles which triage your emails, trouble ticket entries, and all of your telephone calls. As you know Big Fuckhead Company Product Support Service Analysts are located worldwide to provide our clients with most comprehensive product support possible. The Big Fuckhead Company Universal Asshole Service Center is located in Butt Fuck, India. It is a team of highly trained individuals who are available 7 x 24 x 365 and who are responsible for initial triage and routing of all product support issues to our product support experts based in the USA, Canada, India and Australia. Case routing is based on the time of day, the client�s geographical location and available product experts. As a reminder, if a case is entered via email or Lickmytoe.com, a phone call to 888-EAT-SHIT is required to have the issue escalated to critical priority. We recommend that AlGoresSuperHighway rather than email be utilized as much as possible. On behalf of the Big Fuckhead Company Universal Asshole Product Support Services team, thank you for your business and your continued support of Big Fuckhead Company and our knowledge-driven solutions. If at any time you wish to contact me, I can be reached at (555) BITE-ME or by email at I.M.A. Moron@Big Fuckhead Company.com. We look forward to continuing to work with you. ... yes, I changed the names, etc. I'm not stupid.
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