TH13: Mud-Wrestling Matches I'd Pay to See Yoda vs. Gollum: As Gollum is a skinny asthmatic schizophrenic maniac with a ring fixation, Yoda could beat Gollum�s ass even without a light saber. In fact, it would be such an unfair fight that Yoda could send out a Jedi Force � wave and disintegrate the waterlogged hobbit. Christopher Lee vs. Nicholas Cage: I bring this one up because of the Wicker Man link between them, despite the fact that I have yet to see either version of the movie. Both men have the advantage of looking the same for the past thirty years, but Lee wins for me because of that amazing grating deep voice of his. Cage sounds like a whiny chipmunk. Dr. Greg House vs. Dr. Doug Ross: two brash, maverick doctors duke it out. No wait; this is just a fantasy of mine � to see Hugh Laurie and George Clooney wearing posing pouches and rolling around in the mud. My bad. Ron Weasley vs. Samwise Gamgee: The Ultimate Battle of the Sidekicks. I have a feeling that Ron would pussy out and try to run away, but Sam would break Ron over his knee. Or perhaps just rub his filthy feet all over Ron. Whichever works. on request of HubsterEowyn vs. Arwen: Winner? Who cares? Voldemort vs. Saruman: Actually, I�d hate to hazard a guess, as I have a feeling that a battle between these two would result in a complete annihilation of Earth, Middle or otherwise. Harriet Tubman vs. Sheila Tubman: Abolitionist and worker of the Underground Railroad against a fictional girl character by Judy Blume? Harriet�s gonna put some hurt on, I think. Val Kilmer vs. Brad Pitt: I think Val will prevail simply because he�s probably pissed off that Brad got the career that he could have had, being a swarthy chisled-faced fella as well. Marvin the Martian vs. Marvin the Depressed Robot: Marvin-Martian may have his Explosive Space Modulator, but I suspect he�ll use it on himself after Marvin-Robot talks to him for about four minutes. John Travolta vs. Divine: I speak, of course, of John Travolta taking over Divine�s role in the upcoming movie Hairspray. I know, I know, Harvey Fierstein was playing the role on Broadway. It was Divine�s role originally in the movie, and the only reason I like Harvey in it is that he�s as much of a queen as Divine was, and you are only allowed to ham it up so much before people start talking. And yes, they�re talking about you, John. Rabid Bette Midler Fan vs. Rabid Judy Garland Fan vs. Rabid Barbra Streisand Fan: Eye protection would be mandatory. Al Franken vs. Bill O�Reilly: They just finally duke it out, although O�Reilly will claim foul on Franken while Franken is still on the other side of the mud pit. George Bush vs. John Edwards: I predict that Edwards will strip completely down, paint war markings all over his body, and launch himself screaming at the cowering form of GB, who, unaware that this was a wrestling match, was eating mud pies. On this day in 1961, Schr�dinger is half dead today. Whether he was in or out of the box at the time is unclear. So I was talking to my next-door neighbor, B, who has just had her fourth child, E, who is just as adorable as any little 3-week old nipper could be, and I asked about how the older kids were doing, and she told me that the kids were taking things pretty much in stride, but the 3-year-old was having some nightmare issue. B said, �Late last night I told her she better have a good reason to be wandering around the house late at night, instead of in bed. She looked me in the eye and said �Mommy, I can't go to bed because there are gorillas in my butthole�.� Well, damn, I wouldn�t go to sleep either, if that were the case. I�d call a news crew to come in and do some filming for the 11 o�clock news, are you kidding me? I�ve spent years pulling magic flying monkeys out of my ass, but that was a euphemism for �getting work done under nearly impssible deadlines�, and not a literal occurrence. The latest in the boss-lady chronicles: she and I actually had a pissing contest yesterday. Again, a euphemism, not a literal occurrence. By the end of it, the score was: Valkyrie was right, but Valkyrie lost. Ah well. She�s still doing her passive-aggressive on me today, so I suspect that I will be bad-mouthed for some time. But, I am still right. However, Dr. Phil would ask, �would you rather be right or be happy?� Well, Dr. Phil, a lot of the time, being right makes you happy. Phhffffffft. And new weirdness on the Diabetic Dad front, he�s losing another toe to gangrene, which is pretty icky in itself (and certainly not a portent of good things to come) but the real ickiness is that apparently they�re going to wait until the damn thing falls off on its own. EEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!! What the hell???? Isn�t this the damn 21st century or something? Hubster, of course, says, �Why don�t they just amputate both legs up to the knee?� Um, yeah, well, that might help Dad, but then Mom would just lose it altogether. Seriously. I�m wondering if they do need to move out closer to me. However, that would involve backing up a dumpster to their front door and calling on all the hosts of all those shows on HGTV that get rid of stuff for people. On the other hand, Mom is learning (the hard way) how to be more independent and take care of things herself. She went ahead and got long-term-care insurance so that she will have some help when she needs it. She�s gotten all the power-of-attorney and living wills all set up. However, it�s sad to hear her lament that this wasn�t how she intended to spend her retirement, as she expected them to do a lot more traveling. But then, on the other hand, they spent so many years going nowhere and not doing anything when they had the opportunity (and the money, that was rarely an issue) to do so. They�d come and visit me for 6 weeks at a time, and sit on my couch and watch TV instead of using my house as a springboard for traveling other places. Her excuse always was �we wanted you to come with us.� Unfortunately, I had to work, etc, but I didn�t think that should stop the two of them from doing their thing as a couple. Because they should have been more of a couple. I think they lost sight of how to be that once Bubba and I came along. And that, I think, certainly happens to a lot of couples with children. Especially children with gorillas in their buttholes.
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