Isn't Andy Rooney Dead Yet?
Monday, Aug. 21, 2006 at 10:10 a.m.
On this day in 1614, Erzsebet Bathory, ruler of Transylvania, dies at 54. She had sought immortality by killing young virgins and bathing in their blood. It didn't work.
Well, of course it didn�t work. You need to take the virgins into the forest to attract unicorns, which you then snare and bleed and then bathe in the unicorn�s blood. Grind the horn into a powder and drink as a tea. Not only does powdered unicorn horn make your libido go nuts, it is also an excellent source of fiber and calcium.
Not that I really know.
Happy Monday, kids. If you remember our last episode, the good Valkyrie wasn�t feeling well with an Arizona summer cold, and I�m happy to say that while it hasn�t been completely evicted, the cold has at least packed up and moved some of its stuff. It�s currently trying to get its buddy with the pickup truck to lend a hand.
What is it about pickup trucks, or the ownership thereof, that makes everyone automatically assume that you want to help them move? When I owned Starbug, the hapless pickup truck, I got a lot of requests to help folks move, which I managed to skirt around for everyone with one exception, and that exception, well, that was doomed from the word go. This fellow, that wasn�t even really my friend but a friend of an acquaintance, which of course are the best people to hang around with (enter your own snark HTML code there), asked me to help him move on January 1, the day after I had spent about 30 hours straight setting up and running a New Year�s Eve Block Party, I think the one where I did follow spot for Billy Idol. And he�s one agile little monkey, I tell you what. I hadn�t slept, I was running on caffeine but no food, and I had a migraine the size of Rhode Island. In my weakened state, I said yes to this bugger, and he proceeded to make a two-hour process last about 5 hours. When I finally got his stuff to his new destination, I unloaded my truck into the parking lot and drove off.
The only other time I ever moved anything was specifically lights and audio for L and R�s wedding. And the Hubster (then Boyfriend) loaded and unloaded that truck. Because I was wearing a bridesmaid�s dress and I was extremely tipsy. Because you start drinking early when it�s your best friend getting married.
Anyhoo.
Since I was hipped up on cold medications (and still am, whoo-hoo) I think I spent the whole weekend plopped in the recliner, knitting and speaking purely in non sequiturs, which I do a lot of the time anyway, but I don�t think I�ve confused the Hubster as much as I did this weekend. I finally had to start telling him when I was changing the subject. And I wish I could remember any part of what I said, because I�m sure I was entertaining.
Ah well. It�s probably for the best.
You�ve heard of crotch rockets, right? Would this be a bottle crotch rocket?
And isn�t this a contradiction in terms?
And isn�t this really, just, common sense?
And doesn�t this sign make you want to leave the region immediately?
EEEEEK!