A Little Less Conversation
Wednesday, Aug. 16, 2006 at 7:55 a.m.
On this day in 1977, . . .
What? What was that? Where have I been?
Well, it�s been what? A week? Part of that time was, in fact, spent boffing the Hubster, and other time was spent in bad movie watching, and other time was spent eating oh-so-tasty-but-so-bad-for-me food in pub and grubs. Also, a couple of hours were spent scrubbing the bathrooms, my most hated chore.
In other words, life, honeypies. And believe me, I would have rather been chatting with you good folk rather than trying to corral all the damn pet hair that breeds very quietly in all the corners. Whatever the previous owners of this house were smoking when they decided to put down bright white tile on 47% of the floors of this house, well, I could use me some of that extra-curricular inhalant, I tell you what.
Anyhoo. Moving on.
On this day in 1977, Elvis Presley dies in his home at the age of 42, while sitting on the toilet. In the bathroom, he had been reading The Scientific Search for the Face of Jesus. Presumably, Elvis' search was concluded shortly thereafter.
This occurrence, of course prompted the great and powerful Frank Zappa to pour forth in musical bliss:
Elvis has just left the building --
Those are his footprints, right there
Elvis has just left the building --
To climb up that heavenly stair
He gave away Cadillacs once in a while;
Had sex in his underpants,
Yes, he had style!
Bell-bottom jump-suits?
That's them in a pile,
But he don't need'em now,
'Cause he's makin' Jesus smile!
Elvis has just left the building --
Those are his footprints, right there
Elvis has just left the building --
To climb up that heavenly stair
The Angels all love him,
He brings them relief
With droplets of moisture
From his handkerchief!
Cher'bim 'n ser'phim
Whizz over his head --
Jesus, let him come back!
We don't want Elvis dead.
So what if he looks like a wart-hog in heat?
He knows we all love him --
We'll just watch him eat,
So take down the foil
From his hotel retreat,
And bring back The King
For the man in the street!
Elvis has just left the building --
Those are his footprints, right there
Elvis has just left the building --
To climb up that heavenly stair
He's up there with Jesus, in a big purple chair
Bless Elvis�s clogged, oversized, peanut-butter-filled, worn-out heart.
Have you ever noticed that you can say any horrific thing you want about a person, so long as you add the phrase Bless his/her heart in front of it? For example:
Bless his heart, but his breath could knock the buzzard off a shitwagon.
Bless her heart, but she done fell out of the ugly tree and hit every single branch on the way down, and then the stork picked up right back up and put her back on the top of the ugly tree, and she plumb fell right down and hit every single branch again, bless her heart.
Bless his heart, but someone can�t spell worth one goddamn:
Of course, I�m guessing this dumpster is down the road a bit from this sign:
Now the makers of this sign obviously know who their audience is:
I think, however, that the signmakers have forgotten two things: that their audience has no sense of humor, and that their audience doesn�t know how to read.
We can all always hope, however, that even the dumbest of people out there have, at least, the sense that God give a lemon:
We can hope. We can pray.
And I suppose we could lower haystacks off the boatdeck of the Queen Mary.
Ta!