I like feeding grapefruit to infants
Monday, May. 15, 2006 at 8:24 a.m.
Hmm. This is from an email that I received at my �spam� address:
Langdon looked again at the fax, an ancient myth confirmed in black and white. The implications were frightening. He gazed absently through the bay window. The first hint of dawn was sifting through the birch trees in his backyard, but the view looked somehow different this morning. As an odd combination of fear and exhilaration settled over him, Langdon knew he had no choice. The man led Langdon the length of the hangar. They rounded the corner onto the runway.
And then there was the Viagra� advertisement. I don�t know if this is from some novel or if it�s the spammer�s Creative Writing class assignment. And how Langdon suddenly went from his house to a hangar, I don�t know, unless Langdon lives in John Travolta�s neighborhood.
And now, a message from whom should be my sponsor:
Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
- Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
- Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
- A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
- If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
- If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
You also can�t let this happen:
Well, I guess you could. If you like that kind of thing. The point I was trying to make, really, was that all businesses should reference urbandictionary.com. Or not. Actually, it�s more fun to find signs like that anyway.
On a totally different tangent, I watch Nanny 911 and SuperNanny, despite my not having children. Because you never know. In truth, I thought for a long time I would have children. At one time, I saw myself on the eve of millennium with a baby on each hip and a Hubster by my side. Of course, you know the old adage, �We make plans, and God just laughs�. I got older and more self-aware and watched more and more people have children and I learned that that was simply not the life for me. Then I met the Hubster and he didn�t really want to have children. And then all my girly bits grew horrible yet benign things on them so that sort of put the end to that. However, read above adage, because you never know.
Hubster and I baby sat our good friends L&R�s daughter, HayLo, on Saturday night. HayLo is nearly two and we�ve never sat with her before, mostly because L was always able to get a sitter for her. But they had a last-minute event to go to and we offered. Hubster and I are actually in the will to be HayLo�s guardians if something (God forbid) happens to L&R, and I�m really hoping that God doesn�t have that much of a sense of humor. Anyway, we had a good time. HayLo and I watched CinderElmo which was so cute, although I could see how terribly saccharin it could get watching it a thousand times over, as the good smedindy has told us in his adventures with his little girls. We also brought over our good dog Gypsy:
Who is just the right height for an almost-two-year-old to play with. And Gypsy gave her so many sloppy kisses. At least the kid�s face was �clean�. The only mild trauma we had was putting her to bed, which we did without pomp and circumstance other than changing her diaper and her nightshirt and plopping her down in the crib and saying goodnight and turning off the lights. Well, of course, she howled for a good 15 minutes. I checked on her once to make sure she was okay, then laid her back down without fussing over her, a la Nanny911 and the little tyke was asleep after the 15 minutes of angst. Awww. And then Hubster and I settled in to watch MythBusters because we love that show but we don�t have cable.
So anyhoo, I felt very smug about my abilities as, well, a babysitter at least, due to my nanny TV show watching habit. Yes, I know that actually having a kid is totally different with the day-in-day-out routine! But then I read newspapers and watch the news and shop at Den of Eternal Damnation (aka Wal-Mart) and have witnessed the children of Those Who Should Not Breed, and so I think a Parenting License should be required. Perhaps these could be practical tests:
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
And of course, this just raises questions for me:
Um, baby-shaped? As opposed to what??