Lookin' Good, Kickin' Ass, Gettin' Laid
Friday, Aug. 15, 2008 at 8:27 a.m.
So last weekend, Hubster was going through a period of malaise, which he is tending to get more and more often. I think he is a little jealous of me and my new social schedule, which includes weekly meetings with my knitting friends and my Weight Watchers� friends (many of whom are the same, isn�t that great??). Hubster, on the other hand, doesn�t have friends. He�s not a social type, because he�s a man and they don�t tend to cultivate friends, and the other reason is that he�s actually a Vulcan. He had the ears nipped as a child. I�m sure of it.
So I�m out both Tuesday and Thursday nights, whooping it up with other like-minded women who like to stab balls with pointy sticks. We are the Knitting Ninjas. See?
But I happened to be reading the latest issue of the local New Times and I saw an advertisement for the local Midnight Movie Mamacita�s offering that weekend and it happened to be a double feature of Aphrodisiac, a pseudo-documentary (more like a porn-umentary) featuring John Holmes! Well, for heaven�s sake, I�m all for vintage porn and I�ve never actually seem John Holmes in action, so of course we toddled over to catch this flick!
Aphrodisiac was naturally about the properties of marijuana and sex when combined, but it also had a weird EST meeting with people just being naked and rolling about on the floor (gads, what people used to do in the name of �therapy�, ne?) but the highlight was of course, John Holmes and his amazingly large schlong, but the one thing I came away with was: No one should have ever let John Holmes speak. His voice-over sounded about as ridiculous as reading a letter to Penthouse out loud, and was about as well-written. I have never heard so many vernacular terms for �penis� spoken with such aplomb in a single breath. My goodness. He sounded like a 10-year old trying to be cool. Which I think was about the level of his mentality and emotional maturity. However, I suppose that �mentality� and �emotional maturity� are definite drawbacks to being a porn star.
The second feature was a Scandinavian film called The Hottest Show on Earth, which was introduced by two Sexual Psychologists or some such people with supposed medical degrees, who explained that they made this film to help break down barriers of sexual mores. No, people, you made this film because you had some extra money and you wanted to make a porn film. The plot was simple enough: a small circus is losing money, so what better way to bring in a crowd than to make the acts perform nude and be sexual in nature? Fair enough, I suppose. By the end of the film, though, it seemed that Fellini had somehow taken over, what with an orgy scene in the center ring while a couple of show poodles trotted around the exterior of the people pile. By the end, everyone was having sex with someone (or a couple of someones, although I was wondering why the one girl hadn�t worn those two men down to nubs, the way she was going) and the final scenes included a pair of dwarves going at it and a scene of a couple of Shetland ponies getting it on. YIKES!!!
Still, it was a hoot to see some vintage porn, back in the days before all the boob implants and everyone still had hair down there. Hubster enjoyed it too. The funny thing was that I ran into a woman from my Weight Watchers� group there. Busted!
At any rate, the whole evening worked very well to bring Hubster out of his malaise. Amazing how porn does that to guys.
Gads, I�m the best wife ever!
Oh, and even better, I've now lost 40.8 pounds!