Jesus Saves! He Shoots! He Scores!
Friday, Nov. 18, 2005 at 8:30 a.m.
Church signs just make me wonder. Don�t these people know what they�re actually saying here?
Or is it just me who sees the world only in its gutterful and debauched glory?
Actually, this one reminds me of an old joke:
Miss Mary Beth is teaching the Sunday School class, and she asks the question, �What part of your body goes to Heaven first?� Little Dirty Johnny in the front row starts waving his arm, but Miss Mary Beth chooses to ignore him.
She calls on Betty Jean, who replies, �The heart, because that�s where the love of Jesus is.�
�Very good, Betty Jean. What do you think the answer is, Dickie Bob?�
Dickie Bob replies, �The brain, because that�s the part that knows and understands Jesus.�
Little Dirty Johnny keeps waving his arm so Miss Mary Beth feels she can�t ignore him anymore. With a sense of dread, she asks Little Dirty Johnny, �What do you think the answer is?�
�The feet, Miss Mary Beth, the feet.�
Miss Mary Beth, confused, asks, �Why do you say that?�
Little Dirty Johnny replies, ��Cause I seen Ma in bed with Pa with her feet in the air screaming, �I�m comin, Jesus, oh God, I�m comin!��
Thank God for loose tongues in tight places!
BTW, the Hubster and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary on Tuesday. We gave each other the EXACT SAME GREETING CARD, how�s that for creepy? Eventually we will be able to read each other�s minds. And that should freak out anyone within a 5-mile radius of us. It�s gonna be a weird vortex around Casa Valkyrie, I�m telling you.
Look! It�s the official church of Congress!
Also, �Deaf Dakota Hills� sounds like a great name for either a blues singer or a grunge garage rock band.
So, one Sunday shortly before the Hubster and I got married, I was in Mass (Hubster doesn�t do the church thing, being an atheist or whatever he is this week) and it happened to be Servitude Sunday or something like that and Father asked what �tithing� meant to us. Well, when Father asks questions during Homily, he actually expects answers. And I generally sit near the front on the main aisle so I�m usually right in Father�s line of sight when he comes down to sermonize. And since I have no shame and a general fear of silence, I say, �Give us your money!�
Which stopped the Homily right there, and prompted Father to generally and woefully talk about what a sad state of affairs my soul is in, etc.
So, at the wedding, Father tells everyone how my outburst was the topic of discussion at the rectory and how darned funny it was.
Well, geez, I thought I was just stating the facts. Heh heh. And do I tithe? You bet I do. �Taint my money anyway, on a cosmic level. I�m just borrowing it.
Yeeee---ah. I mean, I could go into the miracle of transubstantiation and all, but really.
I mean, when you take an animal out of its natural environment, it withers and dies, yes?
So my mind can�t ever leave the gutter.