Rants on Pants
Monday, Oct. 24, 2005 at 12:30 p.m.
Why the hell can�t I find pants that fit?
This has actually been an issue since . . . oh, my birth. I am blessed with a hiney affectionately known as a �bubble butt� (this is also my father�s favorite nickname for me); and while I am not as endowed as your average Hottentot woman, I sometimes feel about this large, in particular when I�m retaining fluids or just in a bad mood:
Along with my bodacious behind, I have a (relatively) small waist. I am led to understand that this reduces my chances for heart disease and diabetes. That�s nice. However, this also leads me to never be able to find a pair of jeans that fits my bottom and DOESN�T have a huge gap at the back of the waistband and my actual back. We�re talking a gap big enough to play bean bag toss with. Oh yes, �wear a belt�, you say. Then I have TWO gaps to play bean bag toss with, because jeans manufacturers figured you only needed ONE belt loop on the back, hence causing the waistband to squoosh out from the confines of said belt.
Pair this issue up with the fact I am very SHORTWAISTED. Essentially, if I bend over sideways just right, my rib cage comes very close to hitting my hipbone. I barely have enough room to effectively put my hands on my waist, as my waist is shorter than the width of my palms.
I also have LARGE, MUSCULAR THIGHS. My brother has the same issue. We could essentially fill out jodhpurs like regular pants. Where these thighs came from, we can only guess, but I�m guessing that both Bubba and I received the large blessings of both our Polish and Scottish heritages. Heritagi. What ever.
Along with these muscular thighs, I have slightly longer than average legs. Essentially, if I wear �average� length pants, they all turn into highwaters after the first washing. �Tall� pants invariable drag on the ground, but I�m also �full figured�, and for some reason, the clothing industry has determined that ALL full-figured women are 5�5� and under. And shaped like apples on toothpicks. God forbid if an outfit is rendered for an hourglass-shaped woman.
So let�s put these together: large buttocks + small, short waist + large thighs + longer than average legs = CONSTANT HIGH-WATER-LENGTH PANTS WHERE IN THE WAISTBAND MUST RIDE DIRECTLY UNDER MY BRA IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE A CROTCH THAT RIDE RIDES SOMEWHERE BELOW MY KNEES AS WELL AS BE SNUG IN THE THIGHS AND BUTTOCKS BUT BIG ENOUGH TO STICK A WATERMELON LONGWAYS IN THE WAISTBAND.
Ah, to remember the brief days of when . . . 1985? When the jeans were big and baggy and pleated with a smaller waist. �Loose Fit?� Those I could fit into and they�d look like 501s on me. Then everything went tapered and I fainted once in a fitting room because I couldn�t get the jeans on past my heel, for Crissakes.
You want me to be a happy woman?
Make a diet pill that works.
Make jeans that fit ME.
Make a bra that actually IS comfortable for the 18 hours we�re forced to wear one.
Make more plus-sized dresses that enhance an hourglass figure and don�t look like a freakin SACK.
Create chocolate-flavored celery.
That�ll be a start.