TH13: Movies, Both Bad and Good, and a Terrible Comic Book Cover
Thursday, Apr. 26, 2007 at 8:29 a.m.

Impulse: In 1946(ish) a young boy is awakened by the noise of his mother drunkenly canoodling with a former GI in the front room. The boy confronts his mother and the GI, and the GI begins to rough up the boy�s mother, which drives the kid to grab a samurai sword that just happened to be on the mantelpiece and run the drunk GI though. Mom is screaming, and the kid shows his distress by chewing on his pinky, much like Dr. Evil in the Austin Powers movies. Obviously, this so messes up the kid that he has no other choice but to grow up to be William Shatner. Oh, the pain.

To Sir, With Love: Even with the brilliant Sidney Poitier, this is still the story of an unlikely teacher who finds an alternative way of reaching out to his recalcitrant students, who then in turn awaken in him a deep desire to continue teaching. Ever seen Up the Down Staircase? Still, it�s a great movie, and you get to hear a young Lulu sing her heart out. And yes, I did cry at the end. So it�s a wonderful movie.

Midnight Cowboy: How could I have lived so long and not seen this movie? It�s fantastic. Whether the taxi scene was staged or not, who cares? And wow, Angelina looks just like her father. Right down to the big Chiclet� teeth.

The Staircase: This was actually an 8-part series on the Sundance Channel chronicling the death of Kathy Peterson, and the subsequent trial of her husband, Mike Peterson. If you remember, Kathy died in December 2001 of �head trauma� due to �falling down the stairs�. I happen to remember this incident because during the trial, it was brought up that Mike Peterson�s first wife�s best friend also died from a fall down the stairs. This documentary fascinated me because it seemed the filmmaker was there from practically the first moment Kathy died. Seriously, it was like the next day, and here a movie is being made. The movie is rather one-sided, with the pretense of showing Mike Peterson as a victim of bad courtroom-goings-on (and frankly, it did look like the prosecution did not prove beyond a reasonable doubt), and there were quite a few facts left by the wayside. I also discovered that a Lifetime� movie (or Oxygen or one of those channels) made a TV movie of this subject with Treat Williams in the role of Mike Peterson. Is Treat Williams turning into this generation�s John Saxon?

The Bloody Pit of Horror: Also known as The Torture Chamber, this piece of dreck stars Mickey Hargitay as a musclebound recluse who believes himself to be the reincarnation of the Crimson Executioner. A group of models and photographers are scouting a location for their goofball pseudo-goth photo shoot for a series of horror bodice-ripping book covers. Oh, it�s a scream, especially that spider, which looks like little Mariska Hargitay made it in her third-grade science class. This movie is supposedly based on the writings of Marquis de Sade, which I�ve only read bits of, and which I also found to be very pretentious. See Quills if you want to see a good de Sade movie. The best (or ickiest) part of Bloody Pit is the scene where Mickey oils himself up good. Augh!

Wonder Showzen: Okay, holy crap, I used to think that South Park was bad for children�s psyches. As the disclaimer reads before each episode, if you let a child watch this program, you are a terrible parent. That aside, if you grew up watching Sesame Street and feel the need to twist those memories until they�re screaming for mercy, this is the show for you. Yes, I laughed hysterically. I�m so ashamed.

Scared Straight!: Remember seeing this film in the late 1970�s? In this documentary a group of ne�er-do-wells on the path of major delinquency visit a New Jersey maximum-security prison and get screamed at by a group of �lifers�. Well, it would certainly scare the bejeebus out of me! The interesting thing about this disc is that is followed up with both the prisoners and the kids featured in the movie. Most of the kids turned out okay. Some did continue to have trouble with the law. This program is still carried on by the lifers at this prison.

Future War: This movie was lampooned on MST3K, and according to IMDB trivia, apparently the crew working on the film joked that it would be great if this movie was lampooned someday on MST3K. Made in 1996, this is probably the newest film that MST3K ever did. Daniel Bernhardt plays a Runaway slave from the future, run by cyborgs and their pet dinosaurs. The Runaway runs into (literally) a novice nun/former hooker and drug pusher who has some sort of alliance with a halfway house for really overweight men. Anyway, there�s lots of toy dinosaurs used in this flick, and cardboard boxes. Lots of cardboard boxes. In fact, the credits had a �Cardboard Box Wrangler�. I am not kidding.

Laserblast: Another fan fave from the MST3K vault. This is the full version, which extends the pain by a few more minutes. Anyway, a guy wearing a garbage disposal that shoots lasers on his arm is killed by shell-less turtle aliens (the reason why for this is never explained, just go with it) but the aliens leave without taking the gun with them. The laser gun is found by major lame-o Billy, whose van has painted black footprints going up the side in a vain attempt to hide the connecting points for the camera rig. Hilarity ensues. Also features Keenan Wynn, Eddie Deezen, and Roddy McDowell, who were working to pay the rent. How Green Was My Valley was so long ago.

In Search of Dracula: This is a documentary from 1978 which really seems more like a vehicle to advertise Christopher Lee�s series of Hammer Horror Dracula movies. There are some nice location shots of Vlad the Impaler�s and Erezebet Bathory�s castles. Mostly, though, it�s a lot of clips. The whole movie put me in the mind of Leonard Nimoy�s In Search Of . . . Hey, are those on disc somewhere? Those might be fun to watch.

Millenium Actress: This movie is amazing. Fantastic, even. This is an anime feature that centers around an actress, Chiyoko, who left her career at its height to become a recluse. A documentary film maker goes to interview her, and she tells her life story and her relationship with a man known to her only as �The Man with the Key�, whom she spends her entire life trying to find. What is fascinating is how the movies from her career intertwine with her real story, blurring the lines between what is reality vs. fantasy. But to Chiyoko, (and the documentary maker, who it turns out has known this woman for quite some time) it�s all part of the same story. Beautiful, beautiful movie. This is a wonderful romance that Chiyoko has with her Man with the key.

Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: This was actually a series from Cartoon Network�s Adult Swim that featured Birdman, a Hanna-Barbera hero from the 1960�s in the position of now being a lawyer, who now has to defend various other Hanna-Barbera characters (nearly everyone from Jabberjaw to Fred Flinstone to Secret Squirrel) while Birdman�s previous villains are the prosecuting attorneys. Oh, god, it�s so funny. And I got a total kick out of seeing those old characters again and wracking my brain to remember some of the more obscure ones (remember the Herculoids, kids??).

The Brak Show: This is another Adult Swim show with Brak and Zorak (most recently from Space Ghost: Coast to Coast, etc) in a sitcom about Brak and his parents and his best friend, the evil evil Zorak. Oh, it�s funny too. What can I say? I have to watch something other than crap garbage bad . . . . Okay, I guess I don�t. Never mind.

But no matter what, watching movies, good or bad, is better than reading stuff like THIS:

OH. MY.

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before o after

I suppose �odiferous pinecones� doesn�t have a good ring to it - Monday, Oct. 31, 2011
Click below to find out what he called me - Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2010
Yeah, he really did call me that - Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2010
Click below to go nowhere either fast or slowly; your choice - Monday, Mar. 08, 2010
HELLLLLLLLLLO NURSE! - Friday, Mar. 05, 2010






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